I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you traded sex for a burrito?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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