I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
