I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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