Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
