totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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