so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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