i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
