Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
