why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
