so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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