we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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