Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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