Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
