dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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