Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
