Soap is not a condiment
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
