I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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