I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Are my feet made of real feet?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
