I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I can't put those talents on a resume
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
