I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
