your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
