Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
