i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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