Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Why did my mother make you get naked?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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