There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
