Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
