I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
