well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
