I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
