I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
