I've blown a few things in my day
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
