Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
