I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
