ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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