i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
