Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
