This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
