he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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