I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
