This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
