My first STD was from a foam party
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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