I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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