What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
If I die, sorry about rent.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
