just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
