I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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