Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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