I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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