My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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