is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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