if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
